my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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