I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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