I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
