Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
