Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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