So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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