I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
