I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize