I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
