I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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