My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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