bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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