it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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