Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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