I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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