if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
