Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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