I'm gonna have a badass scar
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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