I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
