we made out on top of his cat.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
