In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
