apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
