I want to have your abortion
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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