fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
