Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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