Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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