i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
