it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
