I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
