I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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