Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
