I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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