My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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