The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
