i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
