Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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