the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
