none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
