That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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