margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
