just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
