Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
