Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
there was a trapeze. enough said
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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