My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize