Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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