sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize