ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
