would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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