I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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