Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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