I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
