So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize