I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
