the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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