My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
