Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
