i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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