Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
