I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
