I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
