remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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