wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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