so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
