So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Randomize
