I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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