If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
