So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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