Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
