onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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